I
sat down to start writing-not this entry you are reading-but to work on one of
the many books I have either started or had an idea to make onto paper as the
next great novel in mankind’s history. I have started many books, and a few
that I decided to make into screenplays and vice versa, how much have I
finished? Well I feel like Franz Kafka the German speaking Jewish Czech writer,
who never finishing a piece of work to his complete satisfaction (aside from
maybe Metamorphosis). But I live in the age of distractions, the age of
overloading of knowledge: books upon books, plays, movies, television,
magazines, short stories, poetry, music-oh don’t forget the abundance of
music!-I know friends that are distracted by sports, and yet complain about
government. See and feel the pain of driving inefficient transportation, and
yet are forced to do so for a job to get food on the table and water to
continue running. Just as my soul, life, and body feel incomplete without love,
it feels incomplete without my work being finished, my friends family and my
world-our world-being incomplete without a genuine and virtuous reason to
continue getting up each day. Our reason is not fame or fortune, at least not
for everyone. But then what is it, to live life like a party? a game? a risk to
take?...let me ask you: what’s at risk? Who would that affect? What would you
gain? Is it worth it?
Welcome
to my “non-fictionalized” world. It feels so much like a fantasy horror-like
that of a Kafka story-that no wonder I wished for film to be a “career”. I
guess I wished to no longer see me and everyone go through the motions
unhappily doing what society dictated because no one can no longer tolerate,
observe, understand-we just disagree. And what a piece of non-fiction this is!
All I said was I sat down: I sat at my desk with a chair and wheels that roll
on the carpet of my room. However, now I have my feet up on my bed and my
computer on my lap-warming it. I stopped writing about midway through the last
paragraph as I was distracted (not by any media or cultural thing) but because
I seriously thought my nails could use a trim. They have been looking worse
lately. Possibly due to my “nasty habit” which I agree-it is quite bad. Some of
my nails are bumpy and yes a little yellow at the tips of the nails. The skin
on my fingers is soft, as I haven’t practiced the guitar in some time. All the
work at my dead-end part-time job is preventing me, however I need the job in
order to pay off student loans, and so what is preventing me is my debt, but I
wished for an education in the field of film, and now I have one-whatever that
is-but can’t get a good job unless I go into further debt or unless I sell out
and care little of the world and environment around me. I could say: if not me,
then someone else will. True, perhaps, but I wouldn’t be able to live with
myself, I’m barely able to now, especially when this affected by the world.
People
say the world isn’t fair. Okay I’ll take that for a fact then. But fair or not,
how can one justify war and killing people, or a single person? The person can
be a terrorist. Then jail is perfectly fine to lock up a psychopath, a
sociopath, or just keep the irresponsible idiots out of the decision making
processes. Right now, locking up so many citizens in a country claiming to be
free, it’s not just ironic-it’s plain stupidity. The prison system, the
judicial system, the police, the education system, our world: it’s being run
like a business…one that’s too big to fail?
Alright,
I’m sorry for typing at my computer and spewing crap all about in the form of
language and words. The trees outside are starting to grow green again and for
me, that’s hope. Of life continuing to cycle, to continue on. Change is all
about me, even if I’m twenty-three and still live in my parent’s house…(sigh)
c’est la vie.
Justin Vaisnor
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