An Accident

I am afraid when I am safe. I am alert and ready when I am in some form-some practice-of danger. I once crashed-totaled, really-a van I once drove for a company, and I am sure it was an experience others have gone through in their lifetime too. Mine was only slightly different, some accidents are similar but no two are the same. The road I was driving down was a bit icy and snow was drifting on the road from a strong wind. The road shot straight through an empty field and just as I passed a path to a graveyard in the distance of this large expanse of unshielded space, a strong wind whipped into the large wall-like side of the van and pushed it into gravel on the side of the road. After steering back on the road, going five under the speed limit, the tires ran across snow and ice. All tires tried to catch one another but my fate was sealed. The backside of the van started to wag, first slowly then in a wide motion making the front of the van point west as I had been heading south. Just before this, I noticed a few cars driving ahead of me coming in my direction, they were a distance away and I knew I would not harm them and should the accident be a devastating affair, they would surely help-people are kind at heart. Now my van was perpendicular to the road and running at a good speed toward the ditch. I thought for a moment, all that will be needed is a tow truck or someone with a cable to pull me out of the soft looking snow and ditch, then I would continue and finish my route with minimal damage to the company van. How silly a thought and dream. The van’s independent journeys ended there. I streamed toward the ditch, white snow heading toward me, just before impact-the entire front windshield appeared white so for an instant I was calmed. Calm from a familiar feeling of going home, of having no control and going toward the white bright light. Instead it was white bright snow…with solid frozen ground underneath. A crack and a slam and in an instant, I am rolling in the air. The van is most definitely hitting ground, or none at all, but rolling from the speed and direction in which the van was heading. There was a pop at some point, as the side airbags by the windows went off. Garbage and other affects left in the van-some mine, like my phone, wallet, gloves etc.-flew about the front and luckily their was a metal divider separating me from the back three-fourths of the van as containers, auto-parts, and a dolly tumbled around like clothes in a washing machine. Incidentally, the metal dolly smashed through one of the back windows of the van, I could only imagine what it could have done to me had there been no divider. The two most troubling affects that may have smacked me in the face: was the club-used to keep the steering wheel in place-and a fire extinguisher. Luckily, neither did. While my world was a tumble dry-and I was quite dry, no snow streaming in at that moment-there was a time when my body felt to be in zero g. Something I’ve only experienced on amusement park rides. And let me tell you, I’ve always had fun on amusement park rides. Except recently, since I feel rides can be more amusing if they were longer, faster, and just greater, but I am losing my amusement of the rides for I expect great thrills…as long as my life is not in too great a peril. And although my life had been in peril-I was scared-I was also at ease. I was in a state of content for I was finally aware that I was not in control. I was along for the ride. Later, there was a moment of realization that the comedian Bill Hicks was right and that life is just a ride. Sometimes we like to think we have control, and it appears we do, but there will always be an outside force that can take everything we know or care to know, and it is gone in an instant. That was why I was so content. I felt life as I should feel it, out of my complete control, I am just here to interact when I can move my body as I wished. The only thing I have that can control, be controlled, but never have full control over, is the body. The mind is powerful, it is like a computer link to the unconscious consciousness inside ourselves and all around us. The body is the physical, and the physical body I posses was hanging suspended when the van came to a complete rest on it’s passenger side. I unbuckled my seatbelt (first time I mentioned it! But it should be quite obvious I had it on, otherwise I am speaking to you from the grave and would not waste time telling you this story but try to fit into words the answers all people ask when in this physical and spiritual realm) I slowly got down and stood on the passenger side door and window, gathered my wallet, cell phone, etc. and tried working the damn touch screen on the phone. For my phone: when the screen becomes cold or wet, it is near to impossible to work and once the car came to rest and I turned the engine off, the van became immediately cold (due to the dolly smashing out a back window). And my adrenaline was still running, so trembling and trying to touch little keys/buttons on a cold touch screen after I had finally found my phone in the mess of affects and garbage was a nuisance worse than the actual accident. But thankfully, and I am thankful to them, a car or two that had been driving in my direction-while I headed in theirs-had stopped and called for an ambulance, they had also gotten out to check on my condition. I could open the driver door but they warned not to crawl out as the van could suddenly fall right side up or I slip on it’s metal surface hurting myself. I took their advice as they could assess the situation better than I. I should mention now that at some point, I am not sure when rather during or just after the incident, I received a small but deep cut at the tip of my right hand middle finger. Thinking back now, and thinking even just after the accident, I believe my finger may have been sliced by the seat belt when I unbuckled it and nearly fell to the passenger side. Leave it to the strap that possibly saved my body to also possibly drain some blood from that same body, damn you irony. But I do not damn the rescue workers, the firemen and EMT’s, I gratefully thanked them after they smashed the windshield and held out a hand for me to grab. And so after my experience, I would like to thank-not a deity, gods have nothing to do with my survival-but the emergency responders who naturally want to help others-not just because it’s their job, but because they want to-also to Ralph Nader for fighting against the automobile industry for advancement in better safety measures (like the seat belt I wore). I thanked everyone I knew and the world I lived in that day and to this day. I thank those that have a heart and wish the best for everyone and not those that sent me out on that road (maybe knowing or not, that I had no choice but to do so to pay off a large college debt) but sent me out there in terrible weather conditions for profits while I stress, work, worry, and nearly die in a ditch, just down the road from a graveyard.

By Justin Vaisnor